the last day of summer

Thursday, January 26, 2006

i'm painting a series of feminine individuals that i've met
lovers, friends or strangers, as long as they dug
an impression deep enough for my hands to move



this year.
i've set out a very busy schedule to follow
besides my mundane day job
i found 2 possibly consistent freelance projects
and another weekend / night job
enough to wear my layers thinner
i've been hunting for a studio + living space
to accommodate the junks i am collecting to restore
and of course, a bed to crash on
(so if u have a HUGE room, info me please)

i am looking forward to lunar eve, like never before
like back when i was a little girl
forced / squeezed into that little dress
n despite the agony of thinking that i was cross-dressed
(by my own parents!?!) i was still anxious n excited
to be sat on that wooden stool, at that GIGANTIC table
in that old cosy kitchen, cramped with lotsa people
they were my relatives i hardly ever knew
n as years go by, the number decreases
some grew up, got married, moved away
or of other reasons i never really bothered to find out
i wana sit there again!! this saturday.
i am at ease, i feel a serenity i've not felt,
in a long long time. i feel good
like no nasty words could play with my head anymore
n no doubts can toy my heart anymore
i still worry,
i worry about the $7.50 i dug out this morning
that will last me till i get my first angpao
i worry about getting a park fine
i worry about not having enough time + life
to complete the mass of things i wana do
i worry about my increased intake in alcohol+tobacco
but other than that, i've never felt this free
*amitabha*

ok thats all for my granny story :)

why can't i find a job?!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

i love my fridge

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

hoegaarden, orange juice, diet coke, tiger beer
chocolates, nuggets, cheddar cheese, lollipops
ice cubes, biskeets, celery, green tea, candies
sausages, chillies, wasabi, butter, tomatoes
milo, HL milk, chicken stock, mustard, sour cream
pizza..., gums, eggs, crab sticks, soda and magnets

the mistake

conversation

P: it will be good again cos its a cycle
N: then after that it will get bad again, since its a cycle
P: precisely! get out of this cycle once it gets better



(jay C.)

now that everything looks so funny
and my actions became unbelievable to myself
or whatever was it you have said before
all dissolved into the space between my toes
i dunno what else to do, but laugh
"it must have been a trance"

homesick

Friday, January 20, 2006

i went to sleep on the first night of the chapter
it was so strange getting to know a new pair of parents

i watched the color on your face
changing from pink to blue
now it looks purple and decayed

i have never felt so passive about getting my thoughts across
especially when it comes to my own rights
but i did it today with nobody's aid at all
i remembered you wouldnt understand half a word i say
because you only live with mirrors in your world

its hard facing a sudden death of a loved one
its even harder watching her wither outta proportions
dying slowly, drifting further and further away

today is friday
and friday holds a new meaning





i was only but a fraction


all so green


digesting


dont comprehend, just watch


yes, i swear she turned around to smile at my camera!


mocha


counting the abundance of stars


arak arak

portrait

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

of she, the teras

taste of taste

i cannot recall how the taste of taste is like

cold chills

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

the nights kept lighting up with sparks or vibrant hues
i watched - that being the only thing i could do
i wonder if u saw them picking up in full speed
and gradually but eventually falling in grace


i saw the most amazing scene in my entire life
dazzled i was, and little i stood
with nothing, not even both arms to embrace the beauty
no words, pictures or poetry could describe
i gave up the pen n paper
and of course, speech
to tell any soul how blown away one could be
thats about it


waiting by the phone, in matter of intervals
and every instances was so packed with hopes
and every hope was smashed with the coldest chills
so fucking cold i could not have found an element to relate with

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

it was so easy to smile and pretend that the ride to lunch and then to the grocery would last forever. in the day, i wake only to force my lids shut again to drift back to sleep. and in the night, the silence kills every half steps i have taken to move forward. and i jus stumble around in this dark circle. round and round, but how could one get lost in a tiny cycle like this? well i did.



and the only string i could see to pull me outta this seems to get, just, further and further away.




i hang around the park in my head, hoping to find a route to being correct, sane and wise.



i only keep on tripping on the stones i pretended that i couldnt see.

no, i do not put situations right in my own face,
no, i do not open my eyes to look ahead n march across these shits,
i'm not doing what i was supposed to.
i just do not wana get over this.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006