the last day of summer

to whom I may concern,

Friday, August 22, 2008

it has been a series of challenges for me, as soon as the year started.
------
and i just deleted a 20mins worth of dejected essay,
replaced by the line you are reading now. yes this.

i'll save all that lengthy details since i've already gotten this far.
never have i encountered so many hurdles in order to get to one place.
i have dreamed about this for 10 years, talked about every 3 years,
planned for close to 2 years, actually worked on for 9 months,
started my heart thumping for 5 months, got myself crushed for a month,
and when i finally exclaimed with joy for 24 hours,
reality and prejudice came hanging me back on a line 3 days ago.

i am leaving, to live, to seek, to be crazy, to feel different,
to travel on a journey i have thought too much, too hard about,
if i wait anymore, i'll probably back out. (and we dont want that, do we?)
i am frightened, disoriented, weakened, and raped by this whole painful ordeal.
i am supposed to be electrified, poised and all ready and set,
but only a handful of us know that's but a loosely stitched veil,
i have calculated, planted, researched and checked,
but how prepared can i be when i am only still here.
i am going to be there, to be near someone i love,
to try doing something different or strange even,
i am going to risk draining every penny i have earned.
to walk on this path also on behalf of many people i know,
who havent the chance, time, guts, privilege and youth to.

i always think that i havent been born with any luxuries,
and nothing ever falls into my hands too easily.
my greatest fortune is never really having much at all,
so i can safely say, there's hardly much for me to lose.

during this injury time which we are currently on,
i feel blessed and loved by every demonstrated thought and worry.
and most genuinely sorry for not having time to be around as much as i should.
this isnt goodbye at all, we know i will be back here,
to hop the islands we planned to conquer, drink that beer with whom i owed,
continue that story we wrote halfway, fill the blanks in the last 3 pages,
and to sew up the button missing in that blouse.

posted by peenutkew # 04:27 0 comments

of words

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

how impossible it always is, to look at me and listen to whatever i may have to say.
especially if you have to restrict you from interrupting, yelling or walking away.
you release the oiled shutters and let defenses up, in full strength.
oh how typical of you. how i so want to compress you into a zip file.

and you most probably share the same sentiments about me,
like how i would do what you do to me to you.

this is the way i would begin writing a book about you and me.

the love story so immensely sweeps me into a chunk of white fluffy clouds.
and when the thunder howls and lightning darts for yet another storm to follow,
you know the whole cycle without scoring a distinction for science.
swiftly usually, but surely however late like you, the clouds return. we are good.

it becomes absurd to try to argue, debate or to tactfully put it - talk it out.
i transform into a robot that reacts in pre-programmed signals. only.
because i just do not fancy, excel in or know how to engage in a wrestle with you.
like how we were taught never to start a sentence with because,
which i obviously do not give 3 shits about.
i havent learnt how to indulge in and complete a fruitful 'session'.
given the countless theories and even a good handful of practicals.
i have yet mastered many things i should have spent growing years on.
like you havent remembered many things you forgot to tell me about.

in too many politically correct ways that we do not seem correct,
there are indefinite ways i know but cannot quite describe my stand.
and you have always been the better half, putting the story of us into proper sentences.
even steering me in a clearer, brighter direction. only 1 real dimension.
however much you loathed my very talked about example of 'holding my hand',
to this context is what i was trying to mean, meaning to say.
but said in the not-better-way and received on a cynical day.

should the undying blogger continues to publish her baby codes,
denying, predicting and spilling her predicaments and whatever one can think of.
or the savior of all hiccups, trips and falls, earthquakes even we bet,
live on to churn pangs for any stomachs or tiffs over too many cigarettes.
oh and how can i miss the senseless disputes over breakfast that became my lunch.
and the naps you make up for the sleep i have slept, half a day ago.
dont you foresee that we will whip up more out of those sleeves, in time to come?

remember that syndrome after the reunion we labeled us with,
just never mundane, i hope. not now, not anywhere near a future can be.
not with all that zest in the numerous categories of spices we stored for us,
i am sure you will agree. and
i sadistically like the way we squabble and make up without a word or finger raised.

oh by the way, happy very belated 3rd month.
that we both forgot (to mention at least).

posted by peenutkew # 09:06 0 comments

a poem for you

Monday, August 04, 2008

made of sheer faith and pride.
if it is a fairy tale, then lets not close the book.

posted by peenutkew # 10:47 0 comments