the last day of summer

sardine puff

Thursday, January 22, 2009

can you taste the chilli in between the fish,
and the mashed onions within the juices.
the crumbs you dislike, they crumble and escape,
through the sides of your mouth.
a sweet hint of tomato that tickles your tongue,
every once in a while throughout the sizzling process,
of managing the heat on your fingers, thumbs and lips,
and tongue, against teeth.
plus remembering not to bite yourself on the walls of your mouth.
you want to finish it fastest. while it still is hot,
and at the same time you want to savor it nice and slow.

can you taste it?
because i can't.

posted by peenutkew # 00:08 0 comments

characters

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

one.
you think of him, on one of those familiar occasions or errands.
that person whom you most times find hard to decipher.
but he surprises you in the nick of some times.
you cannot say you owe him your life,
but he has fished you out from those pits more than once.
crudely defined as a deep end of a shit hole.
maybe he knows about you more than you imagined.
maybe he heard your cries on those too early mornings.
but it does not really matter.
he has been through earthed loads more than anyone you will ever know,
more than your sorry little self.
broken up but only because you imagined yourself to be.
pieced up only because it is a choice.
heads and chains you remember him by.
and yes, thoughts of a place you both, and surely a good number of others,
too occasionally dig out of the sidewalk of your mind, though far but never further from.
he became a strength and a mysterious power to walk on with,
since the day you cannot literally put a date to.
and you realise you might never get a chance to tell him these things.
because it might just come through your lips like humor,
or to have its substance washed out with saliva.
there isnt even a need to repay or have gratitude shown with material.
you just need to remember. the generosity.

two.
she whom you were not greatly keen on meeting on 2 chances.
but have not failed to leave you warmed and fuzzied.
someone you find such ease engaging and be engaged with.
she told you stories of her rocky chapters with only the objective to inspire,
never getting anywhere near to lure doubts, sympathy or despair.
she earned your respect, swiftly, unlike the ways she gets some things done.
they made you laugh, and she laughed with you.
she reminds you on your right arm with a firm grip,
that it will be hard but not impossible.

three.
the pair functions, complements, bickers.
makes you laugh and cry at the same time.
puts you in place, in a strangest place, in unbelievable ways.
more than enough said because no amount of words can do justice.

four.
the hand that does not sing praises or pops candies into your mouth.
belonging to a girl who knew so little of you, and yet so much.
she has got your back though she very often makes you feel like she stands on the other side.
she holds you, virtually and keeps you hopeful.
half the time, you feel deluded by her concepts and views,
the other half and better half, you probably want to listen, because you want to believe.
and because you want to keep that faith. because you do still have faith.

five.
she asked about you on a regular basis.
it was a way of showing you mean something to him.
it was a way of showing she remembered you.
it was her way of showing she cared about you, a child.
and she probably saw everyone as a child, her child.
whether she was feeling cranky, talkative, attentive, curious or fussy.
i guess she is not in the condition to feel all that now,
i believe she is in great pain, if not physically, mentally and emotionally numbed,
by tubes, chemicals, uncertainties and fear.
i teared and felt his tears, they rang louder than they sounded.
they dried my overnight tears and harshly reminded me of reality.
reality is the torment i have never had to deal with.
reality is the the helplessness beyond mine.
reality is the control that i still have and she hasnt.
reality is i want to be there to see her.

six.
she was everything you have wanted, you claimed.
but you have let her down in your own ways, you knew so well but had no mind to overcome.
she was not without flaws. just like everyone else, just like yourself.
but you knew you loved her in whichever shape she was or became.
and you hit your head on the back of your seat as you drove away,
that you did not grab your chance to tell her, or at least explained yourself.
she always saved you the better half, the same way you always did for her.
she did just that on the last straw you both stood and trembled on.
the world will not see her the way you do, or had wanted them to.
you know it too well, and that really is what matters still, even if she does not believe you, still.
because it most probably does not matter to her anymore.
she reminded you of yourself yet she was immensely different from you.
she rhymed with you yet spoke a foreign dialect at your worst.
she read the commas and brackets between your words yet misinterpreted towards the end.
she wanted what you had in mind yet there was no ways, directions or fuel to get there.
she was pride. she was a lot of commas. she was your catalyze.
she was what nobody else except you could understand.
she was everything you lost pronunciation to.

me,,

posted by peenutkew # 15:26 1 comments

elevation

Friday, January 09, 2009

it should have been black ink on a white sheet, with an addressee.
the intended words lost the pluck along the way from the heart, brains and then hands.

there should be no more fear, since none else could be lost.
in this so very long jaunt without a concrete, discussed, mutual, agreed or blessed agenda.
chapter after chapter, kicking the habit of re-reading the paragraphs read.
thrown back and forth into illusions, realities, solid, fluid, vapor, vacuum whatever.
the last had eroded bones, yet lifted the soul, to a level without a number.
a bunch of nerves have been keeping me up every night since.
that constant hourly alarm clock i cannot find a button to snooze,
or reach for a familiar outline or shape in that darkness.
it is a kind of callous euphoria sitting in the depth of a sore toe that cannot be treated.
scratched, explained, understood, termed, sympathised with or examined.
it is a hearty laugh over the sickest prank, by yourself in the bath.
it is whatever you, whoever, view, assume, accuse, want, it to be, conveniently.
we are all easy about such things. no worries at all.
there should be no more fear, the fingers had eroded before those bones.
the head has retreated to the butt. my eyes have taken a strike.
the speech has lost its form. your idea has been bought.

posted by peenutkew # 21:21 0 comments

transcendence

Thursday, January 08, 2009

posted by peenutkew # 19:34 0 comments

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

posted by peenutkew # 21:52 0 comments

the secret

she can only secretly do it in the deepest silence of the night,
where the loudest sound cannot be heard. a touch.
she cannot bring her eyes to the other side of that line,
in the same way she used to. with fondness.

it is like as if all that she ever felt or still feels became a lie,
judged, doubted and denied. or just shut out.
it was heavy, then light, got heavier and sometimes weightless,
she starts to fault the scales. a belief.
she has not forgotten her privilege is - choice,
though on many forgotten occasions, there were more than two.

she always finds it hard making any one simple decision,
as silly or insignificant as what to put between her teeth. on the tongue.
she cries her heart out and laughs her lungs proud,
that is the way she is, or was. before the jump. over the line.

most reluctant to lose all or any of it,
she still writes her little notes and draws her pictures. hidden in her pockets.
in ways only she will be amused,
she labels her every single thing in codes she has created.
but to tell you the truth, she forgets some after that.
and these things keep her tickled. and light.

posted by peenutkew # 12:31 0 comments