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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

randomly,  you dumped yourself into one of those red seats.   you didn't pick numbers for
the sake of it anymore.  you didn't even care to note the details on those orange slips,  was
it the scheduled time?  did you get the date right?  were you heading the right place?   the
last strands of whites and browns you picked off your long sleeves  reminded you of every
little and big thing that the train literally trucked you away from, hastily. and you wouldn't
admit that you wished  it could slow down.  it wouldn't make any difference anyway.   you
wished that that moment could freeze.  in fact, you had wished for many other moments to
freeze too.  seriously, you needed to realise that they were never going to. you need to. the
mind kept switching to blanks, and you simply forced it, pushed it and over worked it. you
desperately wanted to see,  to think, to breathe, to smell, to remember, to not forget. so you
began tracing back the last two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes before you got
into this transition. you hadn't slept a wink but you could barely feel it, because there were
so much more to be felt. anger,  nerves, fright, ache, worry, anxiety, empathy, shame,  urge,
sick, strength,  faith, gratitude, grit, drive, grief, empty, placid, flat,  doubt,  trauma,  fucked.
these ideas didn't swarm you altogether,  they came orderly,  one after another, few seconds
each and in repetition. the train darted into a tunnel which broke your chainsaw of thoughts.
lights and sounds were eliminated as abruptly as sanity was returned to your head, until the
rail escaped out of pitch darkness, back into the grey skies and greenless trees again.  hello
reality!  you didn't keep count of the number of times you had greeted her in two days. she
couldn't be more candid with you, you returned the gesture with no less. you had given up
challenging her,  running away from her and even attempting to build a bridge with and to
her. you simply allowed her to rape you. you have never been so intense yet complying at
the same time. the picture outside the window stopped moving.  it was time.  you wrestled
with the load on your shoulders,  to keep a balance,  to walk properly and to look ordinary.
you felt like the heaviest possible thing that existed,  and everyone around including every
non-living thing that was stuck to the ground was floating.  you needed to lose that weight
or your head. you tried to convinced yourself, "i am not dying,  i am struggling to survive."

posted by peenutkew  # 01:25  0 comments

run

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

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away from the snow stuck between those rubbers,
where the flakes, bits and traces cannot leave trails behind.
run away from the person you wanted to be,
that person that you thought you almost were.
maybe you can try telling yourself it is better this way,
so that it's easier to forget you've wanted it the other way.
the wind will smack you repeatedly, and in your face,
the grounds will grind your feet mercilessly and push your legs behind your chest.
you just bite your teeth and keep that chin above your neck,
stay in that same motion, that one direction.
run away from the questions you couldn't find answers to,
the answers you didn't find time to fill,
the letters without envelopes, stamps or addresses,
the alphabets inside folders, stuck in a device, inside your pocket,
outdated, unsent, and you are still too scared to touch.
the numbers, the dates, the events you hadn't penned.
the things, the places, the entries you hadn't stored.
those things you clenched inside your head,
the flashes, vivid moments, familiar sounds, comfort zones,
words spoken, scotching sun, laser beams, narrow corridors,
pouring rain, dimmed staircases, frosty walks, racing hearts,
chasing dreams, short changes, mingy chances,
sugared jars, crunchy boxes, takeaways,
bottles, bulbs, tickets, transactions, needles, ink, blood,
photographs, clouds, trains, boats, seagulls, trucks,
tubs, wings, cocoa, fabrics, tokens, prizes, threads, stitches,
drives, rides, cards, tiles, cigarettes, secrets, frills, thrills,
scenes, sins, couch, grouch, sheets, shits, desire, tire,
trials, flops, pride, shame, joy, pain, faith, dismay,
merits, discredits, harvest, stride, stakes, plates,
brawl, silence, elation, swing, good, bad, best, worst,
love, hope and short of one leap.
something, everything, anything and just nothing in between.
run, even if you don't know where you are heading,
doesn't matter whether you aren't ready,
don't have the right shoes, haven't got a map,
or you actually don't really want to.
at least you will somehow get somewhere.

i am not afraid of running,
the hardest part of all, is leaving you.

posted by peenutkew  # 11:54  0 comments

lift

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

lucky for us,
you still have words to type, on a canvas i can read.
and i feel each letter from punctuation to number,
without an indication which indicates a lot, and too well.

lucky for you,
that i remember by hard, the words that have been spoken,
way before anything had happened.
and did you think i was too drunk,
or delirious. too swallowed or maybe wrapped up.

lucky for me,
my eyes seek for lights in this pitch.
i hear things that do not entirely find their ways to mine.
i threw your hands away, and you simply had them hidden by your hips.
just so today comes again,
that i can still have an idea of how a grip looks like.

posted by peenutkew  # 22:56  0 comments